The Conflict Escalator
A conflict happens when two or more people want something and do not agree and argue, do not talk or even fight.
When a conflict starts, we say we are on a conflict escalator.
When each person says or does things to make the conflict worse, we say they are going up the
conflict escalator.
Anger and hurt feelings can influence the choices we make that make the conflict worse or escalate.
When we get to the top of the conflict escalator, a conflict peaks and one or more things
can happen:
*Get in trouble
*Someone gets hurt
*Lose a friend
When we say or do things to start to make the conflict get better, we say we are
going down the conflict escalator.
When the conflict is resolved, we say we are off the conflict escalator.
It is important to recognize when a conflict starts, identify feelings and what it is each person wants to
see happen. Revenge is not helpful.
It is also important to cool down and think of the choices we can make.
There are many peaceful ways to resolve conflicts.
* Share
* Take turns
* Compromise (you may not get exactly what you want because each person gives a little)
* Use humor, respectfully
*Skip it,when it's just not that important to you.
*Time out (only for a brief time to cool down and think about the choices- no more than a day or two)
* Apologize
* Get the facts
* Talk it out- use "I" statements, listen, consider what you both want to see happen for a win/win solution
*Get help
"Different "I" statements work for different people and different situations. Students are introduced to a
"menu" of choices for "I" statements.
Examples include: "I feel_____ when you____ because_____, please_____."
"I get___" "I don't understand____" "I am confused about ____" "For me____" "I don't like____"
"I noticed____" "I would rather ____" "I would like____" "I wish_____"
Ways to help when your child is in a conflict:
>Don't overreact: remain calm. Listen and ask questions.
>Ask questions. When your child says "she is mean to mean," ask for your child to tell you how, or ask for examples.
>Ask about their role in what happened. A conflict involves two people and each person says or does soemthing to add to a conflict.
>Include talking about the tone of voice and body language used when your child said something to the other person.
>Ask about the possible reason the other person said or did something.
>Ask your child what they would like to see happen.
>Encourage your child to communicate with their friend using "I" statements, which includes how they feel about what the person did and what they would like to see happen. Have your child practice or write out what they would like to say. (I don't understand why you didn't sit with me at lunch yesterday. I would like to be able to sit with you.)
>Encourage your child to be a good listener once they make an "I" statement or if an "I" statement is made to them.
>Help your child understand that just because they ask for something, they may not get exactly what they want. Each friend may need to compromise a little or prepare for backup plans.
>They should accept responsibility if they hurt a friend and offer an apology.
>Finally, ask about the positives. Sometimes children only share when a friend is not nice or when they have a conflict. Ask how their friend filled their bucket or who else filled their bucket. One negative incident does not have to make for the whole day to be bad.
A conflict happens when two or more people want something and do not agree and argue, do not talk or even fight.
When a conflict starts, we say we are on a conflict escalator.
When each person says or does things to make the conflict worse, we say they are going up the
conflict escalator.
Anger and hurt feelings can influence the choices we make that make the conflict worse or escalate.
When we get to the top of the conflict escalator, a conflict peaks and one or more things
can happen:
*Get in trouble
*Someone gets hurt
*Lose a friend
When we say or do things to start to make the conflict get better, we say we are
going down the conflict escalator.
When the conflict is resolved, we say we are off the conflict escalator.
It is important to recognize when a conflict starts, identify feelings and what it is each person wants to
see happen. Revenge is not helpful.
It is also important to cool down and think of the choices we can make.
There are many peaceful ways to resolve conflicts.
* Share
* Take turns
* Compromise (you may not get exactly what you want because each person gives a little)
* Use humor, respectfully
*Skip it,when it's just not that important to you.
*Time out (only for a brief time to cool down and think about the choices- no more than a day or two)
* Apologize
* Get the facts
* Talk it out- use "I" statements, listen, consider what you both want to see happen for a win/win solution
*Get help
"Different "I" statements work for different people and different situations. Students are introduced to a
"menu" of choices for "I" statements.
Examples include: "I feel_____ when you____ because_____, please_____."
"I get___" "I don't understand____" "I am confused about ____" "For me____" "I don't like____"
"I noticed____" "I would rather ____" "I would like____" "I wish_____"
Ways to help when your child is in a conflict:
>Don't overreact: remain calm. Listen and ask questions.
>Ask questions. When your child says "she is mean to mean," ask for your child to tell you how, or ask for examples.
>Ask about their role in what happened. A conflict involves two people and each person says or does soemthing to add to a conflict.
>Include talking about the tone of voice and body language used when your child said something to the other person.
>Ask about the possible reason the other person said or did something.
>Ask your child what they would like to see happen.
>Encourage your child to communicate with their friend using "I" statements, which includes how they feel about what the person did and what they would like to see happen. Have your child practice or write out what they would like to say. (I don't understand why you didn't sit with me at lunch yesterday. I would like to be able to sit with you.)
>Encourage your child to be a good listener once they make an "I" statement or if an "I" statement is made to them.
>Help your child understand that just because they ask for something, they may not get exactly what they want. Each friend may need to compromise a little or prepare for backup plans.
>They should accept responsibility if they hurt a friend and offer an apology.
>Finally, ask about the positives. Sometimes children only share when a friend is not nice or when they have a conflict. Ask how their friend filled their bucket or who else filled their bucket. One negative incident does not have to make for the whole day to be bad.